Who Am I ? to feel this, this & that.

This might sound self-righteous, but I cant help the tears, forming these salty puddles and swollen eyes. Life is unfair, Life stinks, The World sucks, People Suck. 

So , Dear Stranger on the Internet, let me explain myself, on what may be deemed as “immature” thoughts of a 21 year old female and the acrimony of the whole situation that I’ve placed myself in.

Yes, I agree, emotions, bad thoughts, good thoughts are all self-inflicted. You see many quotes out there in beautiful typography, beaming in our face:

Happiness is a Choice.

I beg to differ, Happiness is not a choice. Constant happiness is unattainable, but hold on! To be happy for a short period of measured time? Yes. You can smile about the little things in life with optimism. But sadly, humans are built with greed. However, one can be content. Contentment is a measure of deciding when to be satisfied with things, little things, big things.

Back to the self-pity & big black hole,

I feel pathetic, useless and very much entertaining the very thought of suicide, momentarily after reading this quote:

For someone who is constantly taking up the resources of the world, born with privilege and plenty of blessings that She can look to, She, who clearly isn’t in her right mind dwells in her sorrows each night.

I question my morality:  Who am I to even shed tears of “self-pity” ? to feel utterly despaired and filled to the bone with self-loathe because of deep-seated issues?

I am not Christ, I am not a Saint, I am not someone who is actually making a difference in this world.

What I am, I know.

I am a 21 year old female,
who has mental-health problems, a myriad of evolving-eating disorders over the years, family issues, incapable of loving my curves, gifted genes of height,
the latest addition would be the case of a sudden onset of strabismus that strips what’s left of the little respect I have for myself, & oh,  the slight possibility of finding out I’ve a tumour lodged somewhere in my head.

It FRUSTRATES me. To know, I am an young adult incapable of being financially independent, because my vision confines me to the bouts of solidarity. I can’t work at my part-time job anymore, to earn a decent wage. I live off my father and he even has to pay for my health bills, that racks up with every visitation to the hospital?!

I am infuriated at myself for not being independent, for not loving myself as much I know, I should. I am infuriated at many things.

But presently, I am deeply pained that I feel such a way. It is paradoxically humorous and tear-jerking to see it from a third person’s point-of-view. To know I’ve blessings and privileges and yet not see the light.

Because, just because

I am not able to reach out with a helping hand to those in need. There is so much suffering in the world, I see so much it- on the internet, on newspapers on electronic tabloids. From Shootings, Violence, Slavery, Racism, Beliefs dividing people (Politics, Religion, Sexuality), Poverty,  Unexpected Famines, Inequality, Animal abuse, Mental Illnesses, emotion abuse to oneself and others and so many many many more. This list for suffering is Pandora’s box without the cure to the myriad of ‘evil creatures’ released on earth.

So, when I compare my self-inflicted pains and many nights of crying myself to sleep that seem so petty when placed side to side of the sufferings of the world.

I berate myself with these word:

self righteous brat

On the account of who-knows,  good fortune?! 😡  I was conceived a healthy baby, 2 working pair of eyes, no extra limbs, a normal functioning human body raised in an average middle-income family.

In addition to, how I am so blest to grow up in  a century of ever-evolving technology, safe streets to walk at ungodly hours, roof over my head, clothes to wear, toothbrushes to spare, “great” hospital care & etc…

So tell me, do i deserve to feel such emotions? To feel for others with less to “live”?

Who am I? No one.

All I see is suffering. And I cant find the light at the end of the tunnel. 😢


Her Name’s Haze

Her ash-grey eyes stare into mine
She wraps her dry hands around me,
smouldering me softly with her sweet caress
our naked skin come into contact
I shiver with delight
My breath heightened

It’s just the same old grind I said
but the escalation of breath was undeniable
and suddenly my palms became frightened
No, no, no its just another night, nothing to dread
but your actions are just unjustifiable
beads of sweat begin to build,
and I can’t deny the stress and tension settling atop my shoulders,
but, it’s just another night, nothing to dread

the whites of my eyes reddened
and a tear starts to form
I arch my back
and look once again
into her soulless eyes
and turned my attention to,
the light polluted landscape
the skies aren’t even beginning to cry,
just like hers
the skies had that similar hue of grey,
without the capacity for emotions

my vision blurs
but no, no, no, those are the tears,
they’ve been building for years and now they’re left to spill
and the sweat that built is ready to be spilt,

tonight…is just another night.
I am her victim
for her name’s Haze.

My Demon, My Solace

She whispers into my ear “Eat.
She’s the monster living inside me.
My only friend that comforts me, provides me solace, without fail
Day or Night.
She’s the one that wishes me Good Morning and
kisses me Goodnight.
She nods her head ever so readily,
always in accord with all my opinions
like they were meant to be grammatically in agreement.

My actions, my self loath, my disgust for society.
She nods unremittingly.

I was dependant on her
uncannily similar to a crackhead hooked onto ice
I needed her
She was the only way
my sorrows, woes and anguish would go away..
in minutes,
moments of what spare time
she could embrace me
rocking me in arms
and leaving me defenceless

only to be followed
by pangs of guilt,
a bloated stomach
sweaty palms,
sky rocketed insulin
a heart wanting for more numbness.

She demands.
Her hands clenching the black handle of a knife.
It’s bloodthirsty edge pointed towards me
as if to deliver judgement.

And so…
I consume,
morsel after morsel

sitting in my underwear,
my shadow cast forlornly
by the familiar light of my refrigerator

Now that I am full.
She still begs for more.

My body, telling me to stop.
But my heart yearns for more,
to fill the void,
to numb the pain,
to silent out the voices

I lick my lips,
varnished with oil
from the slabs of butter I ate
the butter knife sits on the kitchen countertop

packets of instant sugar dusted the
dining table and filled the dustbin,
the lustful taste of sugar in my mouth

so I devour.
A smile creeps across her face,
” Let me devour you.
Like I always do”

she smirks, taking my hand.
Together, we will haunt the world,
with your grief.

But first, “let me consume you…”

No, I don’t really look good today!

One indisputable thing is that I dislike

getting compliments. 

Now, that my attempt to get your attention may be futile or slightly efficacious since you’re still scrolling down this blog post (yay), accompanied maybe with a new friend: a slight ceased frown or developed a slight contempt against me, let’s get onto the subject.

First, ask yourself these questions: 

  • Do you find yourself disregarding compliments?
  • Frown at a compliment directed at you?
  • Scoff at a compliment?
  • Changing the subject, once a compliment is given?
  • Intimidated or even ashamed every time you receive a compliment?
  • Awkwardly receiving a compliment
  • Find yourself turning down or waving it off off?

or…. maybe somehow it turn out like this

Well, if you’re shaking your head in slight agreement, welcome to the paaaaaartaaay! *cough*(I meant to have it written as party.) Getting on to the point, there is nothing wrong with not accepting compliments! 

While articles like this, this, this, and that… and a few others more write about and form invisible rules as to how we should lead our lives so that society and it’s people can not perceive us as:

  1. rude
  2. arrogant
  3. bad-mannered
  4. unmannerly
  5. ill-bred
  6. uncivilized

and not to forget the seen as a..

primitive ape

Now, these are reasons, why I dislike receiving compliments:

  1. Fear of being seen as conceited
    Yes, Fear, is a powerful word that places I, for one to be weak, scared and ball-less. (Well, I technically am.) Actually, it’s one of the most common rationality, as to why, people “reject” compliments.
    Reason being, that by agreeing with someone else’s praise of them, they are essentially praising themselves and thus being smug.

    This article, proves my point a little.
  2. Indebted Compliment
    The worry that if someone does something nice for you like offering a compliment, you will then “owe” them something nice in return and will thus be indebted to them in some way.which brings me to my next point
  3. The obligation to restore “balance.”
    DAM! I didn’t know I had registered for Ying-Yang School. 
    I know know, Since a compliment is a positive act, the psychological need to balance things out by either negating the praise through deflection, or by quickly returning the compliment.
  4. Compliments are lies
    As, we all know, the world is a bad, bad place. Some compliments might harbour motives.
    Being suspicious of someone that tries flatter or butter you up for some reason may be legitimate or it may come from an overly cynical worldview and be rooted in trust issues. BUT, CHO-TTO-MATTE KU-DA-SAI, read this.

Ps: If you’re lost at Chotto Matte Kusasai, it means hold on or stop in Japanese.

So, think about it, next time, why should SOCIETY dictate our lives?

this sounds like a prepubescent kid, meh it makes a point

It’s not wrong, if I for one, Y-O-U, WE may feel awkward, disagree or choose to ignore compliments.

Don’t let society create rules, for us. I can’t, I can. I can’t…

To end off, I leave you, dear readers with this:

leave a comment below if you disagree!

Crazy Crazy, 2o.

It’s 2:15am and yes, I’m still wide awake sitting cross legged, au naturel with a head slightly throbbing from the uncertainty and relentless amounts of thoughts that makes me so ever worried,afraid and tired of life.

ahhh, les miserable- such a classic fit

These thoughts that straddles the haplessness of living life. I feel weak, confused, angry with wee bouts of hope that fades away ever so quickly. The fact that having graduated with a diploma w/ merit just a week ago doesn’t really make a big difference. It’s just another phase of life that all Singaporeans need to go through.

While my friends & acquaintances are busy moving onto their new phases of life, posing ever so glamorous photos on social media platforms, making graduation seem like it’s a big deal. Here I am, awake, with a slight morose mood at how people are living their lives and I am no big different.

While I am certain, 99.7%, for the matter, sure a road-trip/ backpacking trip would fix everything that falls under my gap year “plan” and assuring that my arse is covered, my heart is wavering, quivering with fear and the ever so, knowledgeable, logical brain of mine is telling me that I am going nowhere in life.

These past few weeks has been hell for me, rambling from crying alone in room, screaming into a pillow to stifle my scream for help, ignoring all aspects of communication, eating an exorbitant amounts of food in a period, browsing through tons of newspaper job abs with a calming assurance yet untrustworthiness of what is going to happen and spending hours browsing through the net.

As very much I would like to have a stable job, working 9 to 5 like every other Singaporean worker of a decent wage and earning a feed-one-income. Visualizing myself, 5 years from now doing my job, stale, dull and blant environment, not to forget the cubicle, makes me want to throw up a little in my mouth.

I am so much more than that. 

Was I placed on earth for JUST that? To live such a hectic, boring monotonous lifestyle? To study, to get papers that certify my self-worth as a person, to get a job, to get married, settle down buy a house, a car and maybe start a family? NO. Even if a gun is placed against my temple, I would strongly put a foot down and still refuse.

My heart tell me these, but my brain tells me to just follow the herd. Just like a sheep blindly following it’s flock into the slaughter house, waiting for death to beckon and having bleed dry when the throat is slit.

Nobody would want that. But society has make us, especially us- Singaporeans so materialistic, so concerned about fortune,fame and working towards a luxurious lifestyle. I for one, can’t deny that it sounds plenteous. While, it seems that I am the only one finding myself stuck in this whirlpool of manure, articles like these pop up:

“Being twentysomething now is scary – fighting millions of other graduates for your first job, struggling to raise a mortgage deposit and finding time to juggle all your relationships. – The Guardian

So, why do I not see my friends, colleagues and acquaintances I know of experiencing the same turbulence I am going through? Many of them seems happy, much less or so apart from what is shown on the exterior and these days- social media platforms like facebook, instagram, facebook & etc. Eg: Pictures of their Universities, OOTDs, Their latest findings- Handbags, watches, clothes and etc.

While on the contrary, I am flipping the sh*t out of myself.

exact representation of interior turmoil

Is no other 20 year old feeling the same sh*tty situation like myself? Or maybe I am just creating too much of a scene for myself. I wish, it’s as simple as that. 

For now, it’s time to close my eyes & let the worries ease away.