This might sound self-righteous, but I cant help the tears, forming these salty puddles and swollen eyes. Life is unfair, Life stinks, The World sucks, People Suck.
So , Dear Stranger on the Internet, let me explain myself, on what may be deemed as “immature” thoughts of a 21 year old female and the acrimony of the whole situation that I’ve placed myself in.
Yes, I agree, emotions, bad thoughts, good thoughts are all self-inflicted. You see many quotes out there in beautiful typography, beaming in our face:
Happiness is a Choice.
I beg to differ, Happiness is not a choice. Constant happiness is unattainable, but hold on! To be happy for a short period of measured time? Yes. You can smile about the little things in life with optimism. But sadly, humans are built with greed. However, one can be content. Contentment is a measure of deciding when to be satisfied with things, little things, big things.
Back to the self-pity & big black hole,
I feel pathetic, useless and very much entertaining the very thought of suicide, momentarily after reading this quote:
For someone who is constantly taking up the resources of the world, born with privilege and plenty of blessings that She can look to, She, who clearly isn’t in her right mind dwells in her sorrows each night.
I question my morality: Who am I to even shed tears of “self-pity” ? to feel utterly despaired and filled to the bone with self-loathe because of deep-seated issues?
I am not Christ, I am not a Saint, I am not someone who is actually making a difference in this world.
What I am, I know.
I am a 21 year old female,
who has mental-health problems, a myriad of evolving-eating disorders over the years, family issues, incapable of loving my curves, gifted genes of height,
the latest addition would be the case of a sudden onset of strabismus that strips what’s left of the little respect I have for myself, & oh, the slight possibility of finding out I’ve a tumour lodged somewhere in my head.
It FRUSTRATES me. To know, I am an young adult incapable of being financially independent, because my vision confines me to the bouts of solidarity. I can’t work at my part-time job anymore, to earn a decent wage. I live off my father and he even has to pay for my health bills, that racks up with every visitation to the hospital?!
I am infuriated at myself for not being independent, for not loving myself as much I know, I should. I am infuriated at many things.
But presently, I am deeply pained that I feel such a way. It is paradoxically humorous and tear-jerking to see it from a third person’s point-of-view. To know I’ve blessings and privileges and yet not see the light.
Because, just because
I am not able to reach out with a helping hand to those in need. There is so much suffering in the world, I see so much it- on the internet, on newspapers on electronic tabloids. From Shootings, Violence, Slavery, Racism, Beliefs dividing people (Politics, Religion, Sexuality), Poverty, Unexpected Famines, Inequality, Animal abuse, Mental Illnesses, emotion abuse to oneself and others and so many many many more. This list for suffering is Pandora’s box without the cure to the myriad of ‘evil creatures’ released on earth.
So, when I compare my self-inflicted pains and many nights of crying myself to sleep that seem so petty when placed side to side of the sufferings of the world.
I berate myself with these word:
self righteous brat
On the account of who-knows, good fortune?! 😡 I was conceived a healthy baby, 2 working pair of eyes, no extra limbs, a normal functioning human body raised in an average middle-income family.
In addition to, how I am so blest to grow up in a century of ever-evolving technology, safe streets to walk at ungodly hours, roof over my head, clothes to wear, toothbrushes to spare, “great” hospital care & etc…
So tell me, do i deserve to feel such emotions? To feel for others with less to “live”?
Who am I? No one.
All I see is suffering. And I cant find the light at the end of the tunnel. 😢